Arranged Marriage

Being that I'm against monogamy and relationship controls of any kind including marriage in general because of what I consider to be disastrous social consequences, I never gave much thought to arranged marriage beyond the most basic loathing. I placed it mentally in the same family as stoning and honor killing and left it at that.

But recently I've discovered that a very dear friend of mine is being pressured by her family to participate in this atrocious extreme. Nothing motivates a position on a given topic like collision with one's life.

Most topics I write on have only general impact on me, which gives me a measure of intellectual distance, not so here. Fortunately I've spent a good deal of time writing and reading about the various elements of human mating ritual, so I'll have my facts and logic straight, but never have I been so emotionally motivated, and I'm sure this paper will reflect that.

This may come as a shock to some of my peripheral readers, since I'm sure they've mistakenly, having only read a small portion of my work, come to the conclusion that I hate women, and would love to see them returned to the days of outright purchase. But nothing could be further from the truth. I seek equality of the sexes, and my attacks on the behavior and, largely American, social constructions related to females are there merely because they grant power to females above and beyond what can be granted to males, only because of their gender.

However, as is the case internationally, women are indeed oppressed brutally in many areas. And I am quick to add that I am well aware that generally and globally women are still by far the more oppressed gender. Just not in America. Thus this marks my first outright attack on what is largely an international practice.

I have so much to say that is emotionally motivated that I find myself almost at a complete loss for words. Frequently as I wrote this I had to pause and remind myself that yes this is indeed real, arranged marriage is not a fiction, yes parents would do this to their children, yes they care so little for who their children are as sentient being that preservation of the culture and tradition trumps basic human rights. Children to so many are meat bots to be programmed and sculpted, this disgusts me. Adults seem to easily forget they were once children as well.

The rage I feel here is of the same family I feel when I think of spanking, molestation, female circumcision, and other forms of child abuse, but this is far more insidious because at least with extreme sexual or physical abuse there is a chance at counseling and the victim has clear reason to place the emotions involved in proper context. Not so with an arranged marriage, in fact I can see the victim of this practice filled with uncertainty and self doubt, not to mention feelings of guilt. In short at least in the case of standard abuse the person knows who to blame.

Arranged marriage to me is like a manufactured Stockholm syndrome. Whereby a daughter, along with a chunk of cash, is given to a captor in the hopes that maybe after a decade or so of cultural or economic imprisonment she'll come to love her cage and lean on its walls instead of claw at them.

Only in a world this insane would I even have to comment on madness of this sort. I'm having trouble here because its so basic. You simply don't pick who someone loves for them. This is microns from trading a daughter for land or power, and thats exactly where this practice has its roots. Need we make rules about this? I would say its as basic as the idea that you don't stab babies in the brain merely for being born girls but that crazy shit happens as well, ironically enough often in societies with arranged marriage thanks to the dowry.

I assume if you're reading this you already have an opinion on the subject and thus a catalog of my hate is worthless because either you already agree with me, turning this into preaching to the choir, or, you don't and have answers ready. So I'm going to take a different approach I'm going to assume your counter arguments and make a rebuttal.

According to wikipedia there are four advantages to arranged marriage and I'm going to counter them. If I leave something out please do inform me.

1.Reduction or elimination of incompatibilities

This is an illusion. Normal healthy people change over time, as do normal and healthy societies I might add. Changes in personality arise from change in environment and general change in perspective that comes with age and experience. Thus both parties are going to be in flux, generally as a result of begin human, and specifically as a result of being thrust into a novel setting, in this case married life. There is no logical reason to conclude that any psychological compatibility between bride and groom will be permanent. All marriage does is provide a means of forcing the wife into silence long enough for the Stockholm syndrome to set it, and this is merely the best case. I leave the worst case to your imagination because as the world has shown us, nothing is beyond human capability in the realm of horror and cruelty.

2.Addresses female anxiety

This to me is akin to negotiating with the mafia, or in other ways capitulating to force. Obviously men in general want to have sex with women more than women want to have sex with men thanks to simple hormonal and biological reasons. Also women are encouraged to deny sexual access for reprehensible social reasons discussed at length in my other works. To claim that arranged marriage addresses sexual anxiety is like claiming that being mugged addresses shopping anxiety. Taking someone's choice away and then calling it an advantage is a disgusting sophist trick. It's like curing the disease by killing the patient.

3.Low expectations

Again, this is like a mugging. So you had a pistol in your face and you expected to die, but instead the mugger merely took your positions and beta you into unconsciousness, by this logic mugging is a good thing because often times you get better than you expected.

This whole argument is illogical because expectations are based on averages. You expect to lose money at the casino because odds are you will. If it was likely that you wouldn't, then that is what you would come to expect. The fact that the majority of people prior to arranged marriage have low expectations logically suggests that those expectations in general are justified. Much like being expected to receive a burn when reaching into a fire.

4.Lower divorce rates

Is this really an argument? Of course they don't get divorced. If they are culturally controlled enough to tolerate this madness in the first place they'll never get divorced. This is like like citing the low incidence of sexual harassment lawsuits among slaves in the American south as evidence of sexual equality. To use an equally underhanded argument. Consider what demographic has a zero divorce rate; those who never get married in the first place.

And that's it. Apparently that's all the world can muster. Those are the only advantages to an arranged marriage. Grow up people. Women are not chattel.

Respect for other cultures must give way to basic human liberty, tolerance must have a limit or it merely becomes a tool of oppression.